Showing posts from July, 2018

What does having cancer feel like? (It ain't pretty)

Sometimes, I forget. It’s usually around 3 a.m., while sleeping in bed. I’m wrapped in my favorite gray-and-blue threadbare blanket, dreaming that I’m back in my 20s – full of energy, sporting some unabashed red lipstick and waistless.
Then, I get a punch in the gut.
I jump up and claw my way to the bathroom. Sometimes there’s a dramatic scene, with heaves and fluids and tears. Sometimes it’s just sitting on the cold toilet seat with a dull stare.
Then, I face the mirror. Staring back is an ashen, brown face with a bald head and dull eyes that have only a smattering of lashes left. That’s when I remember: I have cancer.
For me, it’s been like wearing a large, weighted coat that drags the floor. No matter the weather, no matter the place, I cannot remove it. It digs into my shoulders and pushes my feet into the ground.
It’s hot on the inside of it, and it doesn’t match with any of my clothes, but I must wear it — this backbreaking, suffocating cloak called cancer.
The magnitude of bei…